date:
Sunday, October 29, 2006
hmmm just wanted to do a lil thinking. will recap more in the next post.
oh and yup, stayed over at jia's place ytd=) damn fun. haha growing fat with the mac supper and ice cream! =) pics i'll upload soon=)
so... hmm i guess this period's been pretty hectic... it's always abt theAs, and mugging and all... i feel guilty always at the end of the day for my oh-so-slow progress... =( sigh i really doubt i'll make it... i'm trying really, but my confidence just isn't building...
so many things have happened. i wonder why it's so hard to handle guys.. poor le, poor jia, poor me, poor qiu,poor salmon, poor eunice. actually, we're not poor things. it's just that the guys are mean or just not right. sigh... to the girls, esp since most of you darlings are taking As soon, please don't let the guys disturb your emotions and your mood to mug okay, we'll find a way to get back at them after As~!
sigh... i have this really unexplainable feeling within me.. sometimes i feel you're so sweet and caring, at times i feel you don't want to be acknowledged as being in a r/s... it's like... why is there this contradictory feeling? sometimes i really don't know what you want... when i'm not so sweet and all, you look for someone else, or just keep your displeasure within you silently.. when i finally do sense that, and i change, you seem to want a distance... it's confusing me and i don't know what to do. i don't know what we are.. it feels like a relationship with very lil commitment involved.. i know i can't blame you, it's not your fault. i just don't know what to do to make it all better.. sometimes i long to be single and free with nothing weighing me down, and sometimes i want to be totally immersed and involved. but it seems like i'm just stick between the 2 extremes, with neither desire being satisfied..
i guess i just don't have luck with relationshiops. my first one with joel failed terribly after 3 months, ending off right smack in the middle of Os, when i found out he was cheating on me. and my current one is so problematic, with so many ups and downs, whilst i'm having my As.
sigh i don't know whether you want to keep a distance from me, or if you want to be really involved. i don't know what i should say, how i should react, ad i feel sometimes, you don't really care... i know, it's me. you're a perfectly okay person. sigh. maybe i'm just not good enough.
after all that has happened, i feel my once-strong confidence ebbing. in whatever i do, i no longer feel secure and confident. i've lost faith in myself and in some people. i don't know whether i should keep trying, and how to keep trying.
but A levels are coming up really soon, and i'm really worried.. how i wish.. i could sleep and never wake up. i don't have the confidence to face the future, and i don't have faith in myself and the people anymore. sometimes i feel like curling up and sleeping forever... because, i just don't know what to do anymore...
i know i sound damn emo, so if you don't like it, just don't read it. after all here's just an outlet for me to pour whatever i can't say into.
so.. i'd just like to thank my really nice girl friends for being there for me. qiu, eun, le, jia, chun, mag and liy.
love you guys lots <3 hugs.
kaela @
12:27:00 AM
date:
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
hmmmm been pretty busy of late, mugging and mugging my heart out. how i wish i had a device that allows me to blog whenever i want to~ cause i get so lazy to blog when i get home. oh wait i do have a pocket pc=) oh ya but the cable's ruined. by me of course=S okays so been mugging with qiu almost everyday, either at coffee bean west mall, or starbucks bpp. hmmm personally i feel starbucks is a better place to mug at. but coffee bean has those sweet faces=)
oh yup, ytd was mag's bday, so
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAG!! hope you like the present i got you! i'll post the pics up when i upload them=)
so in the mean time, those having exams please mug really hard ya. i doubt i'll do well, but the least i can do now is try. so... pray for me!! =)
cheers peeps, and tag to make your presence recognised yup! <3
ps. anyone has Artificial Intelligence (A.I) VCD?
kaela @
11:38:00 PM
date:
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
i don't know what to do now... sometimes i just feel like such a big failure, i'm failing in every aspect of my life! in family relationships, in studies, in church and even with him..
A levels are coming up, and my progress is really slow.. there's so much i don't know and i'm so tired of studying alr.. i thought i was prepared during prelims, but look at my results.. now i don't even feel prepared for As.. i can't imagine my results this time... and i don't have the strength to try anymore.. so quickly, it's been a week since baccalaureate... sigh... 2 weeks to As... i'm so tired i don't feel like trying anymore...
i know my parents, especially my mum, are really upset with me.. my mum complains that she doesn't know me naymore... i come home so late from studying everyday, that she only gets to look at me for a few seconds before they go to bed...and the thing is, after a long day outside, i come home tired and zombielike i don't feel like talking... my parents spend so much for me on tuition... and yet, i can't achieve any results for them.. what the hell is wrong with me?! why am i such a big loser? i try so hard, really, but it doesn't seem to be taking me anywhere. and my parents are so upset with me and my grades, even though i have been trying, i really have. i just don't know what's wrong with me. it sucks having a lousy memory.. i forget things within a few minutes of reading them...
as for my spiritual growth, it's hopeless. i've given up doing qt. i'm not gg for cg cause of As. not even gg for chc's svcs on sunday... sigh... yuan came into church so much later than me. shawn and matthew too. and their bible study lessons have alr surpased mine. yuan is the newest addition besides aaron, and he's almost finishing book 2. sometimes i just feel so left out in cg.. i can't connect to the people there, i can't share stuff with them.. i even feel remotely isolated...
as for yuan, he just dealt me a huge blow... after all the trust i've placed in him, i discover by accident that it was all a lie. i don't know who this bgirl is and the other one. but i know they like him.. and so maybe we're not officially tgt cause of church, but more or less, we're tgt... right? and he tells them he's single and available. although he does mention abt just being friends, but how many of us know that that doesn't deter girls from keeping that glimmer of hope and work to cozy up to him?and the terrible part was he deliberately kept it from me cause he knew i trusted him and wouldn't read his msges and hence will nvr find out anw. i know it's because he used to hurt alot of girls in the past, hence he doesn't want to hurt them now by giving a direct 'i'm attached'. but actualy, wouldn't it be less hurtful if he just told them straight and they'd give up, rather than playing them slowly and killing them later after they've really fallen in love? and he's worried abt hurting them, but yet willing to potentially hurt me. which he did since i found out. and he didn't prevent those girls from feeling hurt.. he just diverted the hurt they would get onto me. each girl's hurt adds on to me. i can't accept it really. even ian, when i told him abt it. no one believes yuan would do such a thing. to deliberately abuse my trust. in the whole 7 months, though i have your passwords and all, i nvr once ran a check on your emails, friendster msges, handphone msges, or anything for that matter.. i thought you meant it when you said you love me. but a person who loves me won't hurt me this way. i don't know if i can ever learn to trust you again yuan... i've spent 2 nights crying myself to sleep, breaking down in coffee bean, smudging my notes, and ignoring my parents... i just feel so tired.. i know you have alot of problems too and i don't want to add to them..but i've got problems too.. and likewise, you're my rock, but you let me down. i depended and lean on you so much, but you took my trust and abused it. if i didn't find out that day, would you even have come clean with me? i duno how long this has been gg on.. and i don't want to find out... when you showed me that long chain of msges of hers in your new phone, without my name anywhere, my heart just sank. 2 years ago, when i was tkaing my Os, joel cheated on me. i can't take this again... i'm having my As.. and i alr don't have the mood to mug.. why did you have to do this?!
am i overeacting? i don't know... maybe i'm just too sensitive.. i have many guy friends too right? maybe i'm just not pretty or smart enough, maybe i'm not as caring or nice or loving, maybe i don't provide you enough support, maybe i'm 'just too boring and you got tired of me.. i don't know.. i don't blame you.. i really am such a failure...
so many times i wanted to end my life cause i don't have the guts to face my parents, to face God, to face my church friends, to face my friends, and to face yuan. i've nth to be proud of.. but i can't end my life, that'll hurt Jesus too much. and He has alr died for me once... it's not fair for Him to die again from a broken heart. Lord i don't know if you hear me, but please, how i wish you'd take me away... i don't want to be such a burden to my family... i'm a lousy daughter, a lousy girlfriend, a lousy friend, a lousy sibling-in-christ, a lousy spiritual daughter, a lousy student, and evrything else. i'm so tired of trying Lord. nothing seems to get better. it's so hard to maintain a cheery outlook when everything's just so grim and grey... i htought abt driving myself crazy, so i can be warded into an asylum and not think abt things, but that will still burden my family.. today, i just thought of another way, and that's to enter a nunnery. that way, i can dwell in God's presence, and not have anything whatsoever to do with the secular world. and i get to help orphans and old folks, and not be a burden to my family or friends.. life would be so much easier...
kaela @
11:06:00 AM
date:
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
the haze is terrible.. been making me sick for many many days alr=S since last tues=S running nose, blocked nose, sore throat, and whatnots, been there, got that=S no amt of smelly herbal tea i down helps=S urgh.
kaela @
11:01:00 PM
date:
Friday, October 13, 2006
BACCALAUREATE SERVICE!!
wed, 11 oct 2006
finally 2 years in ac have come to a close... memories of our graduation day... sigh... bittersweet memories.. time flies really..
start of the day, me chun and sk in
OUR toilet=)
us again! in basics=)
okay svc started, adn we were busy scribbling on the cards for our teachers=S
for mdm pang!
inside: her FREAK CARBON (inside joke of sb2)
the last time we'll get to see the choir who sings for us every morning around the mike. haha we all hummed the first note as a sch=)
mdm pang singing for us!
teachers!
chunpin taking her last chance to slp at assembly=)
me chun sarah
i look constipated cause i was falling off the chair=S
haha we were all STANDING on the chairs=) over high=)
balloons! with chris and chun
red balloon with xianming=)
class guys tied balloons to my hair. can no longer see me from behind=S
urgh. i feel like a fool=S
went to toilet to check out my new hair
and met qianqi my junior!
me and chun=) my balloons making a great backdrop=)
again!
okay i look weird here
ac girls of 2sb2!! pretty babes=)
i think they grabbed me in at the last minute.
didn't have time to sweep my fringe aside=S
i tried to stretch the pic, but the faces are still too small.
my entire class plus mdm pang=) so easy to sport me! balloons!
amos! my balloons irritating him=)
huimin, ally, sarah, me=) see nice backdrop!
grace, chun, sarah, me!
grace, me!
joel, me!
mdm, me! my fav teacher in ac=)
mdm, us!
huixin, me!
cat, me!
qing, me!
cheryl, me!
haha me, sarah, huimin. oh saw this cool backdrop on some wall at citylink=) looks damn real lah. amos and i were pretending to 'walk into the restaurant'.
after bac svc, we went to eat at new york, new york at citylink=) yum yum. wasn't feeling well, so shared a baked rice with sarah...
sandwiches chun and huimin ordered
baked rice!
peeps at my table=)
chun, huimin, yiling, sarah, chris, me, randy, qing, xavier.
sigh lovely day=) went to vivo city to meet yuan after~ yup that's in another post, go search!
kaela @
12:28:00 AM
date:
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
okay so after celebrating with classmates, went to vivo city to meet yuan. haha really fun day=)
we begin by yuan picking out a sunflower from one of the flower stands discreetly but daringly=) haha you know the many flower stands outiede the shops that are newly opened? yeah the flowers look great, and i dared him to pick a sunflower out=)
so.... presenting SMILES! yuan named it. =) oh yup my 4th sunflower this year!! haha =)
smiles.
oh yes yuan brought me to eat wang jiao and shih lin. nvr tried before. hmmm not bad, i like the chicken from shih lin=) very crispy=) luckily he asked for less chilli, otherwise my sore throat would nvr recover=S
went to shop around vivo city! hmmm pretty big , floor looks like that of marina square's. the best part, they have esprit, topshop, charles and keith, coffee bean, guess, and........ toys'r'us!!
haha me feeding yuan with a gigantic spoon at tangs.
making our splendid entrance=) we're on 9 tvs!!
urgh got reflection=S
on 9 individual tvs=)
yuan posing with a truck=) truck looks terrified.
haha
trendiest witch with purple glittered designs on black pointy hat
me with
one eyed jack. haha notice how i stuck a dagger into his head. looking entirely threatening at the same time=)
oh the joys of fighting with 'cling-clang' swords and axes=)
me with smiles and mr tree.
me with a hundred bucks dog that has no backbone=)
okay after fooing around at toy'r'us under the shocked looks of little kids and adults alike, we left to shop around other areas, and caught WORLD TRADE CENTRE. hmmm not bad, 3-3.5 stars. effects are nice, but somewhat reminds you of independence day with a lil of the day after tomorrow thrown into it. you know, the typical blood-on-my-face- and-i'm-screaming people, and the dust and explosions and loud noises. the movie focuses mainly on the 2 main characters, port authority policemen who went into the towers, and did nth before they themselves were pinned 20 feet under rubble. and flashbacks to their lives and their grief-stricken families and all. can get a lil 'yawn' at some times. however, some touching scenes save the show, and i actually dropped some tears. hmmm the scene is really narrow cause they show you the same thing over and over again, same place, same people. but if you like seeing bravery and courage and hope in the eyes of their wives and children, and how hundreds came ro save the 2 policemen, yup, catch it. beautiful tribute to those who fought hard and their families.
only 20 people were pulled out of the rubble on that day. thousands perished. the 2 policemen were no.18 and 19 to be pulled out. i have to admit, living in Singapore, so far away from the states, 911 didn't impact me as much, until i saw the show and realized the magnitude and the impact it had to the familes and the country, who were entirerly unprepared for such an attack.
oh yes, they didn't actually show the planes crashing into the building.
so after the movie, went to take a walk at the open space. nice sea view=)
dark pics.
in the train on the way back
us with smiles!
smiles with my balloons=)
kaela @
10:09:00 PM